The McSuicide Experiment Day 51

You might be wondering where your self-analytical adorable quissing writer went.

Where is the barely self-assured yet confessional bare biased human you’ve grown to think you know?

She didn’t really leave. You just saw a different side of me.

I despise conforming and as all the posts were getting the same I had to change them.

Without that change, I go even more mad or just…want to leave this earth even more.

I truly did a few days ago. I didn’t want to be here and also I don’t really want to be right now.

I live to change the world rather than actually want to live in it.

Yet those words right above these are lies in so many ways. Certain moments they feel so true but then something feels different. I have too much love for this place. Too much love for the people here. Then there is even nature. I haven’t been able to fully explore or touch it yet but it is still worth living for. Iceland. I will go there as soon as is possible.

Yet there are moments I do not connect to earth itself. To life. In those moments there is not much I desire. There is nothing I want to live for.

One little spark takes me out of it.

The spark that maybe there is hope here. That since I barely understand this place I cannot understand the depths to which that hope reaches. Yet I do feel the depths to which death calls.

Yet now it feels a feeling. I can conquer feelings. I just want to know why and how they happen.

Even in full knowledge of what they could be though I feel consumed. I am so consumed that I want to die. I understand deeply those who have killed themselves because of the many many times in life it was one spark that prevented me from it.

Now that emotions rebound so hard I’ve never felt such a depth to it. That rebound from bliss to death is so consuming and real…it displaces me for days. The dandelion salad and kayle literally brought me out of it. It did take 2.5 hours of feeling numb, a walking dead woman who was aware of every movement yet all of them felt fake. It didn’t matter my twin and husband were home. I knew if the pain didn’t go away in the next hours I would just have to finally do it.

Then it brightened me. I suddenly couldn’t access that pain.

It is literally something we access. Something that pulls and triggers us into suicide.

I had the same thoughts, the same situation and suddenly couldn’t want to die. I tried to want to and only felt desire to live.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s