This is a mature enough blog to start with these words I hope. On the way up to this second-floor library computer, I met the gaze of many men. One of them held his gaze without a smile like he just had the right to assess me for mating potential, and I primal eye zone warred him right back. Accessed my strong independent woman mind.
Otherwise, there was a sexy male walker with one of those long black haired buns caressing his head with a jawline that just..meow. My body prepared itself for these men. Let’s just say I wouldn’t need lube right now. Since this study is equal and opposite reactions of reproduction this is actually scientific.
…could I find a way to track that? If I ever do get people to admit their suicidal, agree to be in a study, pass it through the board and they actually stick to the diet could I track the feminine levels of moisture and the men’s ability to harden?
Sigh…it would be so useful. I bet I could do it in Japan. Maybe even Europe. Silly sexually closed off U.S. Probably because our diets suck 😉
Here I’ll imitate the stare for you now:
Face my female prowess. Get it? Cuz it’s a face ;p
Sigh….I am in such beast mode energy burst happiness today and I am going to savor the life juice out of it.
So yesterday was compexely fascinating. I was on the paleo happiness and expected no bad thoughts to ever ripen in my mind again. Even the dead ones I create awareness of and upon connecting snap those to create bursting flavors of new life progressing thoughts. Some I’m keeping though…darkness and I are still friends my dear…possibly. I don’t value it as much as a life comfort or creativity builder. Especially now that I can analyze the dark thoughts and categorize them between higher thinking or scorgy mind fuck food it just isn’t as…mesmerizing.
Yesterday I was not awake though and it could have road rage at adorable kittens if they could drive cars. Alas it was at adults. People we assume have some sense of life and what to do in it. They cut me off or got into my lane and slowed to ten miles an hour…plus about twenty five but I was annoyed so exaggeration encompasses the feels of it more.
Nutrient Deprived Sleep?
The rage still arose in me though and it was hard to conquer. Even sleep deprived ‘nutrients’ seems to allow those negative mental (and body?) reactions. It was less sticky then when I was on fast food though. Like air compared to goop. The air lasted a while though and I was able to reach the initial level of rage again at the five second memory of it. Maybe because the car was still in front and I had the ability to smash into them.
On fast food and even high carbs it just…stuck in a way where it influenced other moments and even hours later it would still be there. It leeches into life rather than breezed out.
Which the fact that I had a desire to end human life while on bliss food is still fascinating.
Also, of entertaining note. A few days ago and much less sense then I felt the need to socially seclude someone. It was a fat person and it just…triggered within me to try and harsh them out of conversations or not laugh at their jokes.
I felt ashamed but it primally makes sense. If my body views itself as superior and wants to continue the human race with it then it can also feel the need to seclude those it doesn’t view as worthy of continuing the human race. Fucked up but that’s just two words for it. If something makes sense and is within our human bodies then is it fucked up? It’s as though the more something is true primally but we don’t want it to be true as ‘higher thinking’ creatures the more fucked up we think it is.
In Random News
Last night I wanted to trigger things again since I’ve been off suicidal thoughts and I have almost no social anxiety lasting triggers. So I ate some popcorn and a few fries. Not enough to scrounge up a medly of killing triggers but enough to bother. They really didn’t overall.
The night got odd again though. I couldn’t really connect to my own body. When I tried I got itchy and felt odd tingles. I switched to a more closed off dark room and it felt like something else was there so I returned to foyer bed.
P.S. If you are a first time viewer to this blog I request you begin at the beginning.
Also I have a story for you if your eyes desire to indulge it:
Months and months of selling every part of his life left the worth of this world in wavering grips. The Gameboy his mom gave him to get lost in Pokemon with was given up for a pint of ale last week. A memory for mind losing liquids. The blanket he first fucked under…wait that was given up years ago. He was losing track of himself. Even his suit was no longer worth keeping. The potential of the money he could get from dressing fancy was last month’s dream. Now it was time to move on to a place without suits or wine or flowers to dine on. He would find toilet paper to wipe his face with and just eat from his hands. Those he couldn’t sell…well he wasn’t there yet at least.
Then in the paper, like a coincidence lining up for a story, was possibility.
We Need You! A Psychological Study! Help the World and Help Yourself! Compensation Given!
Well..I do still have that to sell. Thinks Tim to himself. He doesn’t have a way to call the number or even drive to the place so he traipses around town until he finds somewhere public. A bar that’s open at three looks pretty abandoned and he walks in. The bar keep must be in the bathroom because the place is empty. Without a care of what happens to him Tim reaches behind the bar and grabs the phone. He dials the number and fucks it up the first time but presses the one in the right place his second try. “Hey I want to sign up for the study”. “Congratulations! You are the second person to sign up so we’ll get you right in. Mind coming to 666 Jezzabel Lane as soon as possible?” “Sure. I don’t have a car though.” “Oh? Well we’ll come get you?! Just give us the address!” The bar name is given and he puts up the phone and walks outside.
After about fourteen minutes, fifteen seconds a Toyota pulls up into his life and he gets in. “Hello! We’re excited to have you for this study!” “Yeah thanks. So uh. How much do I even get for this?” “Oh! Well we are paying up the wazoo for this one. $89 and the potential for even more if you qualify for the next part of the study!” “Okay.”
They pull up to the clinic and Tim follows the gentleman into a clinic. Something is so clean about it that it looks fake. Like the white walls are plastic and the wine he gets offered is dyed water. Certainty tastes like it.
“If you’ll just fill out this paperwork we’ll get started.”
Tim fills out the age, weight, height and so on of his body and hands it over. “Oh can you also fill out the back of this last sheet?”
Tim fills out the full sheet and hands it back over.
“Alright let’s go ahead and get started then. For this study we’ll be accessing something a bit odd. We look for people that have had a worthless life and assume it is because of their diets. The human body and mind naturally want to continue existing so what must fuck you up is something going wrong in your head. The system has made it possible for anyone to succeed if you have the right mind. So what makes yours fuck it all up?
We are going to give you the best diet we can think up and you will be on it for a year. To make sure you don’t off yourself and our experiment/your body during that time we will be giving you the food as well as a living space with you and the others. We could afford better living but that could sway the study. You might want to live due to the condo and not the food.
Then we will track if your live improves as well as depression and suicide levels. We have a theory of equal and opposite reactions of reproduction. Suicide is where you want to not reproduce/a higher thinking evolution while sexuality is wanting to reproduce and your body telling you to continue the human race.
Since you put suicidal on the back then you qualify for both parts of the study.
Once you get healthy and we watch your brain on a neurological level as well as you submit self data we will give you milkshakes, sour patch kids, energy drinks and Twinkies to eat for the day and see if you get suicidal again. The knife will be fake but you’ll think it’s real. Don’t worry we won’t actually let you do it.”
Tim is shocked but doesn’t care enough to object. He is suicidal. Maybe this will work.
He signs up.