The Fast Food and Suicide Experiment Day 37

The most important thing about blissmind is this: I can have the same thoughts that spiraled into suicide mode while on fast food/shake night on keto, and don’t spiral into suicidal thoughts. To rearrange those words. Normal suicidal thoughts on fast food = love for knife. Normal suicidal thoughts on “healthy food” = knife is for steak/I can conquer life.

One day…and soon I’ll tell you what those thoughts are. They’re leaked out through other posts but…I fear compiling them. Those thoughts…to feel that…is horrifying. To feel suicidal is the depths of…life. The ending of it. It doesn’t just happen and then you can think of butterflies and float away. 

They’re sticky and … always waiting. No matter how happy you get you can feel them laughing in the background.


Yet if this study is true…if I’m truly committed then those thoughts have to happen while on “healthy food”. After rebounding from fast food into cherries and non-processed flower raised pork I was able to feel a conquerment for life and write down some generally negative thoughts. 

My mind…took them and made them better. Past trauma became look how far we’ve come. I don’t have a base became yes you do: writing, Abbey, all the humans that love you. 

So many years to live became so few. 


Those were rebounding emotions though…highs. A permanent state of happy conquerment…is still a dream that I blissmind into hope for, but this is still new and could all still be wrong.

Such as last night: I cooked up the grass-fed meat and had it with some squash thing stuffed in, a new type of mustard for this body (stone…something) lettuce and the rab broccoli. Details are important here. Then at work…there were too many people. Social anxiety triggered throughout and internal beggings for escape ensued. Very similar to the feelings I would get from eating a whole Pop-tart. 

Despite grass-fed healthy food I had social anxiety. Fuck.

Then….another possibility was reached. Dietary changes could also cause negative primal tinkerings. Think about the first time you ate a Brussels sprout, or kale…or whatever you remember being bitter.


Your mouth rejected it. 








What if by going back to meat at all, regardless of its treatment, caused a body bitterness that spread to my mind? If we can taste such a thing in our mouths does it also occur in the body?

It makes sense…to me at least. Our body hasn’t accepted that food as a nutrient source and thus triggers us to not eat it again. It makes us feel…wrong in some form or another to cause an association and not have us eat that again.


It could also be humans are meant to be socially anxious around so many people or I was connecting to old connections. Luckily this can be tested by eating the same food for a few weeks then trying something new.

Or it could be that just being around so many people makes everyone anxious. We were very busy last night and also…when there are a lot of humans I love around and I can’t deeply interact with them but instead just have to smile and pass each other..something in me triggers unhappily. I want their attention and to give them mine. When it doesn’t occur jealousy and unhappiness just take over. Those connections I want to break next.

The most..beautiful thing that…words aren’t filling up the screen in the right way for this. These letters…your triggers from them…where your thoughts go as they fill your mind…won’t.


Here this might help:







One day I didn’t have a pen and I coudn’t find paper and there was my desk…sitting there with a permanent marker and I wrote on it. That part at the bottom edge “If everyone who hates this world keeps dying it will never change”. This desk has words…that I want there forever. Moments that matter.



I have a human body was put there today.


Usually…


If you want to talk about the most negative suicidal triggers this mind has. It is that exact thought. I have a human body. Immediately followed by trapped in. Fear, flight or fight response triggers, knives become more beautiful and I feel my insides scream…I scream and it thrashes about.


Earlier today I was reflecting and thinking on this study. Of studies in general and how scientists observe animals and other things of this world. How lucky I am the thing I want to study I am in. I have a human body.


Today…those tingles…those trapped moments that make me feel them not only on a mental level but through my skin as it tingles pain out…they lifted up. Soared even. I hugged myself, grasped my boobs and felt how genuinely soft and epic they are. Ran my hands down my sides and had to stop, to feel, to know what I’ve been missing. I…loved it. I loved me. In this body.


This is the most significant breakthrough…for me that I’ve ever had. My therapist will even be told this the moment we get back together in the Fall. She doesn’t know about this blog yet….


I suffer from dissociative disorder. Basically I disconnect from life itself. Living…trying to capture that thought in my brain..to run it down this body causes aching suicidal pangs. Used to…whatever it’s only been a day 😉  Usually humans connect to life every day and consider it real. It is their reality. That never…really worked for me. I would attempt to connect from life and those connections just didn’t form or…something just glitched in them.


I just keep living…hoping to someday connect. It’s what caused this blog to be real…I’ve suffered from suicidal thoughts for a very long time. Deep consuming moments…yet I feared death to much to die. 


The only moments life has felt real were in fantasy. Yet…the disconnect takes a lot to explain. The full post tomorrow will be on it.




On the drive here I had the thoughts again while in a car…darkened. I have a human body. Initially tingles of the trapped came but…they were broken and replaced. Love filed them again….



I really hate that I didn’t get to track this on a neuroimaging machine. It is so real and feels…blissfully scorged awakening but…it would have been real data if I had just waited to do this until it could all have been tracked. Admittedly I’d have to have been hooked up at all times to get that exact flurry and breaking but if I had the machine I would have driven there rather than here. It would have had those connections of baseline…it would have had my mind and I would have had those thoughts and recorded what happened in this brain. What fired. Then done now…same thoughts different firings? I can’t prove it.

Bittersweet.









Also I got flustered from friends being stubborn about their diets. Also I feel their stubbornness could come from their diets:

Also I got flustered from friends being stubborn about their diets. Also I feel their stubbornness could come from their diets:

And then about humans getting top of the food chain then stopping caring:

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