Okay so let’s start with two confessions. The first: I wanted to give you up this morning. In a dumpster of rot really. I was done pretending that maybe just maybe food is what causes suicidal thoughts. What fucking bullox. The world just sucks. We’re doomed to negative lives, especially when we aren’t loved enough as a child. Really it all comes down to that. I know a man who drinks beer all the time and carbs and is happy and wants sex. He even wanted it from me. He had loving parents who still love him.
So because as a child I wasn’t loved I’m doomed to depression. It is still simple. Just not the simple I wanted it to be.
This is even the documented version:
*Fly lands on while sitting outside after thinking I cry out in pain and nothing answers*
I just need something to embrace me…*continues to let flies land on with tea cup next to*
Naked of course
Legs curled into
Night before this…suicidal again..after two drinks…
I don’t ….
I need them to be explainable…sometimes for everyone else and sometimes for me.
Driving and crying again last night..consumed and broken but alive and awakened
Yet this morning I have a fierce new pimple, my bowel movement was soft and wrong…my mind and body reacted negatively together. (Daschofsky, 2015, p. 67)
Okay so last night I broke the sticking to the same foods and had a chilton, a grapefruit beer (sooo good) and a vesper martini. None of this was gross in me at its first taste and I didn’t think the reactions would matter since they either have no or minimal sugar. That night was even fine…well except for texting Michael at 1:05 AM “Michael…I think I’m trying to redirect the pain of life into something…that’s the true point to..this…blog”. I would do a screenshot for realism but some of me must remain private. Okay it’s more for his sake I’d probably expose it all over if I was the only one affected.
Moments before that I was driving home from Ted 2 (hilarious but Tammy ruins it by being too stereotypical, but otherwise it’s a movie you get off your comedy high horse from and just laugh at). I was driving back…and wanted to swerve into people. It was very similar to milkshake night. I went from having heightened senses that morning with enjoyment of people and life, to not caring if my car swerved off into the Market Street nearby, or someone else. Seemed enjoyable even. I crumbled up this piece of paper in a fuck it let me get some of this pain into material way…felt really releasing and epic gooshing:
Notice the neuropsychology aspect on that page? Oh life. You and your coincidence.
I then used it this morning to write some of the words for this blog post (those blue Sharpie marks leaking in from the back). My phone was left at home…I had work at ten and was hungover…from two drinks. That shows how long it had been since alcohol liquidated me, which flows into the validity of contrast though. The contrast being happy the morning of and then killy by the evening after the beer.
There wasn’t a phasing from my phone being left at home. It was more of a cute happy challenge to see if I’d be able to go without it, an irony of my age. It wasn’t bothersome. Coworkers are too amazing. Either realizing what caused the depressing thoughts/having a “reason” at all or eating the egg and broccoli/cheese/soup lifted me out of it the pain of last night. It truly seemed as though the world just sucked. Then I analyzed the correlation of food and realized there still might be validity to this experiment. I even wanted to give the guy selling a newspaper a twenty. Suddenly wanting the progressing of life.
So the high from the day before was on the senses and led into yesterday morning as well when I was sticking to the same thing diet. Eating raw also does seem to alleviate the mind. The movie sounds were too much though and I thought it was actually louder than usual but a coworker said they couldn’t hear any difference while I wanted to flee the theater it was so loud. If most people aren’t experiencing the same diet though, and I usually can’t tell….well it makes sense that it could have been move loud and vivid from the raw foods/same foods.
So equal and opposite emotion theory holds from that high to the beer/vesper/chilton into direct negative thoughts towards my life and even others. I usually love others and have been tracking that type of data because it does seem people are more loved when on healthy things and hated on negative things. Whatever those even are…currently it seems Pop-Tarts, above drinks and Reese’s are definitely negative.
So this morning the pain of last night you read at the beginning continued and I wanted to just…go back to living without having raw confessions on the Internet.
Then…it all correlated and so I put my broccoli in my mouth and chewed and chewed. Had the bitter broccoli raab (still bitter tasting but it’s getting better). Sliced my egg open and tapped out some cayenne (actually I’m doing that after noting this) then decided to continue this. Because maybe it matters.
Wow this post is long. Almost there after two more things
The sexuality part matters to all of this. Okay so we’re not supposed to talk about this (separation from primal and higher selves), but obese people. Unhealthy people…that get obese from carbs and processed things/too much whatever. We don’t want to reproduce with them. Our bodies and minds naturally say to go towards healthy beautiful people (think of models and actresses) of prime reproduction age. It lends to the opposite spectrum aspect of this study. Reproduction vs not wanting to reproduce. This is just an extension into other people/holds with the evolutionary aspect as well.
Also on that note I went from confidence yesterday of I’ll give him one last chance to be with me (in a complete he’s lucky confidence way) to not even wanting to go to work in case he was there today…ha..his name is Case. Oh words.
Also just…compare healthy me/the last few videos to the way I looked in Groggy Musings. I even linked it just for you took 14 seconds.
Compare even to this morning:
Also in groggy musings I’m at the parking garage…I used to dangle off of there a lot freshman year. Loving the feeling of hovering over death. It made me bliss. Why?
I screenshotted for easy comparison. You can see the groggy face flow compared to alertness.
Losing track of which theater I was in
Today I had this moment where I was losing track of which theater to go to. I went to seven while I was in two. I got scared and wanted to ask a coworker which theater…actual fear. It barely took a thought stage to remember I was in two and the day went on.
Then an hour later I actually went to the theater I was working yesterday…autodrive…as though I felt the inital tinkerings of what was about to happen in my mind/it mildly happened and then it grew…my mind began using that energy more?
The growth of it….that’s just…interesting.
All I even had was half a cup of whipped cream with coffee.
I threw it out.
This was the first running away from experiment attempt:
Tomorrow will be controlled thoughts. Tomorrow and Tuesday so I’m afraid I won’t be able to do this for those two days. Forgive me sweets.