When all my troubles seemed so far away…I Googled the song to link for you readers and Hilary Duff’s song So Yesterday came up first….
If you play The Beatles song now you’ll be listening to the same one I’m writing to.
Overall it was happy dappy cheery freery times…until I couldn’t find my keys for work. At first, the rational calm Ainsley searched for them and then as time kept passing it was consumption, horrible overtaking consumption where it felt like I couldn’t handle what was happening and all control was lost to the situation rather than solutions. I searched the same places over and over despite a pretty strong sane self-hovering over me and saying that was silly, to look elsewhere, but I would look elsewhere and there were no keys so I stopped listening to that voice and looked in the fridge again.
*stops Beatle’s playlist* (just so you don’t think we’re still listening to the same thing, going for realism here 😉 )
Otherwise, I went to work and had tons of energy to spur me through it into the 2 am hour. Even then people going to sleep made them pansies; which are gorgeous so don’t be too offended if you bedded early too. Pansy. I ate tons of random fries that just fell off the burger plates, trying to spark some negative effect in me, but nope. So far all the people telling me carbs wouldn’t kill me and just eat a cookie were more right because I truly thought by now I would be vomiting or would be begging for detox but although fast food still tastes like false dreams I feel fine.
A Few Hours Ago:
Today I ate Krispy Kreme bread holes with one of their mocha iced coffees for drink mode, cuz why not? I got the lemon creme and peach pie one because the hippie in me just won’t die. The iced coffee thing was delicious. Here’s a video of my life in that moment. tldw: coffee=good, peach donut=exciting texture but overall just flavored sugar taste, lemon donut=no lemon just icing flavor so disappointing. There was a kid there that banged on the case at the donut he wanted…craved and…he’s just a kid eating this stuff while he doesn’t have control over what he is eating…it terrifies me. His cheeks were fat too. Everyone’s in the place were actually. I still don’t get the appeal overall except that the addiction is the force for them, but I get it more. You put in your craving and it’s ten minutes away no matter where you are. It’s a system of craving, self-control, immediate satisfaction and addiction working together. Fuck the system man 😉 I’m not part of it yet but to fully understand it I want to be.
As a person that struggles with reality and the fact we exist at all, I don’t hold many strong beliefs, but one I strongly believe is that you can’t fully help something you don’t understand. If you don’t understand then you’re just a judging pretentious prick and I still am one, a self-righteous one too. A bit sick of myself really 😉
Does this not look like fake food to people?
Cost Difference: Keto Organic Donut (searched organic but not necessary in recipe): $.73 vs $.99 for Krispy Kreme
Mocha Raspberry Coffee: Around a dollar vs $1.98 for KK
Excel Math : Sheet Two
Since it’s been a while since I’ve been addicted to carbs and sugar and I wasn’t really analyzing myself at that point, but just chugging energy drinks with sour patch kids inside, I did some research on what addiction is and even feels like. I found a lovely article by Adrian Meule and Ashley N. Gearhardt who goes into some DSM-IV boundaries for it (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) and the criteria involve tolerance which is where you consume “increasing amounts of a substance to achieve the same effects or experiencing diminished effects with continued use of the same amounts” (Meule). That seems to be where I am right now in a negative sense of eating more and more to spark depressive thoughts. Of course…that might not really flow with their definition but I find a lot of opposites occur in mental factors/disorders. Where others are going for a type of high/energy boost (which I do keep getting), I’m also going for the lows and get them when eating and a bit after but they aren’t steady yet so I keep going for more and more.
So overall I’m not suicidal. The keys thing was a change because normally I could realize they were missing and rationally search the house or call a friend, but yesterday solutions were really hard to accept and I was out of control in a ravishing need to find those dangly car starters. I did still call/text friends to ask them for a ride but it was later than it should have been done and I was having spiral thoughts about getting fired and doom and gloom raping my life. I actually had a friend arrive to take me to work when I had already gone after finding my keys. Another friend had responded so I got them confused…I don’t know if I would have been that stressed and absent-minded if not for fast food mind but that’s an annoyance I can’t change is having both minds at once. If only being a twin could work that way…honestly though I want to do a case study on our differences since I’ve been overall healthier in life. Oh yes, I have a twin.
Overall she’s dealt with ADHD, social anxiety and allergies to a maximum extent of my mild versions of them. I can feel and have symptoms for/have all of them but have been able to handle them more and I think the main factor is diet
I might not be having the suicidal feelings because I’m doing things that make me want to live like starting this blog and publishing my first book tonight and I just got to see a lot of old friends and feel those base like safety connections I’ve been craving.
I could manipulate that factor with thoughts I know to lead to depression-like why do we exist and realizing there is no good enough reason to make up for the pain of this world, but that would be adding another factor that isn’t the one being studied so, for now, I’m sticking with eating junk food until the thoughts come. I want to add something of a dependent factor based on bodily reactions away from just thought such as standing near a cliff and scaling how badly I want to jump off or staring at a knife for twenty seconds. I’ll try to think of a more sane way first
At this point I need to figure out what the average suicidal person eats every day and eat that…how do I find that out?
I just got an email about a place called Thrive Market that apparently is like Costco for health freaks but it was sent as an advertisement to where you’re just like fuck off. Health just feels like another marketing scheme.
Meule, Adrian., & Gearhardt, Ashley, N., (2014). Food Addiction in the Light of DSM- 5 Nutrients, 6(9). Retrieve from http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov.lib-e2.lib.ttu.edu/pmc/articles/PMC4179181/
(formatting wouldn’t let me hanging indent, forgive me, scholars)